Zaphod's Gargleblaster

cheesy How we feel in the recent events involving Britain and Syria.
September 09, 2015, 10:12:47 AM by Zaphod
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's do the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used in the British army for the last 300 years.

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level
thumbup Season Greetings
January 02, 2014, 02:45:19 AM by Zaphod
Just thought I would convey my best wishes and happy new year to the occupants of that mostly harmless little blue/green planet at the unfashionable end of the galaxy (Earth Mk1).

I conferred with myself on this and although not normal behaviour, I did it!

wink Bio-Nutrimatic Drinks Dispenser
July 30, 2013, 08:58:57 PM by Zaphod
The Bio Nutrimatic Drinks Dispenser is a product of Serious Cybernetics.

When the 'Drink' button is pressed it makes an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject's brain to see what is likely to be well received.

However, no-one knows quite why it does this because it then invariably delivers a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike anything possibly describable.

xx Yeovil (Where the Cider Apples grow)
August 12, 2012, 11:08:09 AM by Zaphod
You know, all the stories you hear, read, tell about American rednecks, Yeovil is the English accompaniment.

So I had endless fun banging my heads together as it was the most intelligent action reported in 125 years and most exciting since the Spanish Inquisition killed all the Catholics by mistake, got depressed and went home to write poetry.

So Glad to be back, but it's short lived.
xx Oh if only!
November 11, 2010, 08:21:09 PM by Gumby1
Oh if I only had two heads! I could chew two sticks of gum at once! Eat two chips at one time! Drink double the beers in half the time? Maybe drink out of a cold thermos at the same time as a  hot one? How the f*** do they know? I could give twice the arguing for the price of one! You know what they say? Two heads are better than? Yep ONE! Wouldnt it be nice to be able to tell someone ( like NOVA?) to kiss your a** in two different languages? At once? NICE! I am jealous! :redneck:
xx The Gargleblaster
October 31, 2010, 10:44:44 PM by Zaphod
The "Panglactic Gargle Blaster" is a volatile green liquid and is best served well chilled.
When you drink one, its like having your brains smashed out with a slice of Lemon, wrapped around a house brick.

As always one should always drink wisely.
Never drink more than 3 Pan Galactic Gargleblaster's in any one week unless you are a 30 Tonne mega Elephant with Bronchial Pneumonia.

There are many agencies and organisations to help you rehabilitate and get you back into society once again.
The use of your legs generally returns after 14 days or so.

Recipe For Pan Galactic Gargleblaster.

Prepare in a well ventilated room.

Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V
Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).
Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).
Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract (redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones).
Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.
Sprinkle Zamphour.
Add an olive.
Drink. But very carefully.

Becomes explosive when temperature exceeds 38ÂșC
xx Bio
September 01, 2010, 05:32:02 PM by Zaphod
My name is Zaphod (Zaphod Beeblebrox), my claim to fame is.

1. I have two heads (have endless fun banging them together).
2. Was voted to worst dresser for the third time.
3. Quoted as the best bang since the big one by the triple breasted whore of of Epsilon
4. Inventor of the Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.
5. President of the Galaxy.
6. Signed the authority to destroy the little blue/green planet called Earth (Thought I was signing an autograph).

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